:: Baked Ziti : The Terribly Honest, Terribly Angsty, Terribly Teenaged Blog of Zara ::

:: Wednesday, October 01, 2003 ::

Am moving! Got a code from Fearless Diva, who is one of my favorite HP slash authors out there. My controversial inner thoughts are now at http://www.livejournal.com/users/baked_ziti, where I can have icons and URLs that work. See you there.
:: Zara 10/01/2003 10:49:00 PM [+] ::
...

Well. I have done exactly the thing I should not have done and published the second conversation I had with Jake here in my blog.

Blogging maybe is not so much a good idea for me. I should have known better.

I need to think about what I want to say. I'll post again later, I think.

I was having a really great day before this, actually, and I had a whole long happy thing ready to post but it got lost. Like, I pressed the "post" button but it fucked up, and when I pressed "back" the whole thing was gone. There was Joel-y goodness and everything.

Maybe I'll rewrite some of it later. I had a real response to the thing with Jake, too, but hey! That also got lost. Jesusfuck.

Draw your own conclusions. I think both Jake and I are at fault here, me more than him, but I expect most observers will think it's pretty much all me.

Well. I've lost a friend, and I'm not sure I didn't deserve it. I need to write in this thing, though. It really does make me feel better, at least before the shit hits the fan. What am I going to do about this? And everything?

I have math homework to do. I'll be back later.

~ Thus spake Zarathustra.
:: Zara 9/29/2003 10:00:00 PM [+] ::
...

NARBLINKY: ....zara! what the hell....i really hope youre not who u act like in ur live journal

Auto response from kendra1518:
kendra1518: Eating dinner on European time. Thai chicken, I think. My mom rocks

NARBLINKY: that hurts a lot...u obviously dont respect me (well i knew that cause u always call me dear and stuff) and i dont know if ur even my friend...thats sort of what i meant when i asked u if u were just using me as a nostalgia outlet (and u r) whats this about me making a move on you?...u know were not like that...unless im just a suburban football sex fiend who craves only carnal things....well as u may understand ur really infuriating me right now...but im more hurt than mad.
NARBLINKY: ...uve gotta be kidding me
NARBLINKY: so like...whats with u and posting stuff about my lack of action and disdain for alice?
NARBLINKY: thats not cool

kendra1518: Sorry
kendra1518: I have weird thoughts, and I liked the conversation we had and I wanted to keep it

NARBLINKY: ...i dont get u...u seem so cool and then u do dumb stuff
NARBLINKY: it really makes me mad

kendra1518: I don't know what to say
kendra1518: I don't call you 'dear' to be condescending or anything like that, I do that to everyone

NARBLINKY: maybe because your not so sure of urself

kendra1518: I didn't really think anyone would read my blog
kendra1518: That is very very possible

NARBLINKY: ITS IN UR PROFILE!!!!!!!!
NARBLINKY: FOR ALL TO SEE
NARBLINKY: so answer me...im curious about all these things u said

kendra1518: Maybe it's my way of trying to get attention or something. I'm bad at saying stuff, so I write it

NARBLINKY: well...you really are a literary mind arent you (sarcasm)
NARBLINKY: what about me MAKING A MOVE ON YOU?
NARBLINKY: !!!!!!
NARBLINKY: ?

kendra1518: Jake. I don't know. I was just writing what I was thinking. I can't help what I think.

NARBLINKY: no...because the fact that you display it publically means you are thinking something you dont write...its sort of this kind of spiritually reprehensible half intellectual sort of crap
NARBLINKY: which is just self indulgent and helps u no less
NARBLINKY: doesnt help you*
NARBLINKY: you wanna talk so much? talk now...

kendra1518: Look, Jake. I think best when I write and I write best when I type, and I feel best when someone knows what I'm thinking.
kendra1518: I didn't mean for you to get your feelings hurt.
kendra1518: I have stupid thoughts, okay? I really can't help what I think, and I was following my own weird trains of thoughts

NARBLINKY: yeah but ur sort of making urself out as some kind of "beatnik" or something

kendra1518: What, in my journal? I don't think I'm "making myself out" to be anything.

NARBLINKY: im not neil kassidy...im ur friend (well apparently not but your my friend)

kendra1518: I don't even know what beatnik means.

NARBLINKY: ...forget it
NARBLINKY: i have to get back to my stupid friends who, despite there intellectual shortcomings, emotionally leave u in the dust

kendra1518: Jake, I don't talk to you just because I'm using you.

NARBLINKY: well u obviously do

kendra1518: and I don't "use you" on purpose

NARBLINKY: i guess im just a tool for the pinnacle of humanity that u r

kendra1518: I only realized that I had been when I thought about it afterward, and then I felt bad

NARBLINKY: mm

kendra1518: I never ever said I thought I was a good person. I know I'm lacking in people skills and that's why I write stuff down, because otherwise I can't think about what I'm feeling in any kind of organized way

NARBLINKY: BUT YOU DONT THINK!!!!!
NARBLINKY: ...no you think....because your smart. you just dont care

kendra1518: The things I write in my journal aren't self-complimenting or anything, they're me figuring out the way I work

NARBLINKY: WHAT!

kendra1518: OF COURSE I CARE!

NARBLINKY: no...no you do not
NARBLINKY: i know you dont

kendra1518: Shouting online doesn't work.
kendra1518: You don't know, Jake, you're not inside my head right now

NARBLINKY: well no no i am not

kendra1518: Though that does sound stupid from me considering you've read my thoughts

NARBLINKY: i dont think u r either

kendra1518: Jake! I do care. And I DON'T talk to you just for "using" you, I like you because you're you.

NARBLINKY: "jesusfuck"

kendra1518: And I have never, ever met anyone who is friends with someone for no reason at all

Auto response from NARBLINKY:
NARBLINKY: ...takin care of business (school business that is)

NARBLINKY: im friends with you....but ur not friends with me. i was wondering y u were even talking to me.....u never want to talk to me

kendra1518: Jesusfuck indeed.

NARBLINKY: mm

kendra1518: Jake, yes I do
kendra1518: I talk to you online all the time, what are you talking about?

NARBLINKY: why? so u can just drift through the forest of humanity sucking people dry

kendra1518: I don't suck people dry. That's not fair.

Auto response from NARBLINKY:
NARBLINKY: Where are we going, Walt Whitman? The doors close in a hour.
Which way does your beard point tonight?
(I touch your book and dream of our odyssey in the supermarket and
feel absurd.)
Will we walk all night through solitary streets? The trees add shade
to shade, lights out in the houses, we'll both be lonely.
Will we stroll dreaming of the lost America of love past blue automo-
biles in driveways, home to our silent cottage?
Ah, dear father, graybeard, lonely old courage-teacher, what America
did you have when Charon quit poling his ferry and you got out on a
smoking bank and stood watching the boat disappear on the black waters of
Lethe?
NARBLINKY: well apparently im like some 'literary device'

kendra1518: Would you stop doing that?

NARBLINKY: sry

kendra1518: Literary device? What are you talking about?

NARBLINKY: ...
NARBLINKY: poor choice of words
NARBLINKY: did u read on the road yet/

kendra1518: No. I've got it out of the library. I'm finishing a book my Terry Pratchett before I read it. It's next on my list.

NARBLINKY: well then i cant make analogies
NARBLINKY: and this is a waste of time

kendra1518: No, it's not.

NARBLINKY: yes it is...im gonna go do work
NARBLINKY: bye
:: Zara 9/29/2003 09:57:00 PM [+] ::
...

Ah, Jake. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

That kid is so totally great. He is a such a sweetie, and he's so nice to me. I don't know if it's just 'cause he thinks I'm cool or if he *likes* me likes me, but I'm a sucker for the attention. Which is not the only reason I talk to him! Look how long our conversation went on for! ("NARBLINKY" being Jake, "kendra1518" being me.) Spectacular.

I was totally pathetic for attention tonight. I had a sort of ache -- I needed to *talk* to someone -- so I IMed Jake. Normally he's not the first person I'd think of to talk to, but he's not someone I *dislike* talking to and I get the feeling he listens to what I say. I'm glad I did IM him, although next time I get that lonely ache I think I'll recognize it for what it is and call Isabel.

Geez, I sound like such a people-user. I don't feel like I'm there for anybody when they need me, so I feel like such an ass when I need other people. Isabel has been THE BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD this year, and I feel so guilty when I talk to her. And when I don't talk to her.

It's complicated.

Look. When I do actually talk to her, I feel like I'm dominating the conversation and that I talk way more than she does and that I'm being an insensitive asshole. I love her so uber-much and I think she's such a good person -- like the best person in the world -- and it's kind of hard to measure up. But I don't feel resentful towards her because Isabel is impossible to resent. She's just that great.

This is impossible to explain! I think you kind of just have to know Isabel. She's not, like, annoying tree-hugging person, although I'm not sure she wouldn't object to a little dendrophilia (I just looked that word up to make sure of the spelling, BTW). She's not a "love-everybody" person, either, although she did use the phrase "no hateration" the last time I talked to her, which made my *week*. She's not judgmental. She's just... good. She's smart and understanding but she's not a know-it-all, and she wants to be my friend and she makes me feel special. And I totally love her more than anything but I'm really bad at *saying* stuff like this.

I feel like I'm not giving as much as I'm getting, is the thing. She's such a good friend and I can't possibly be as good of a friend back, which isn't fair to her because everybody should be lucky enough to have an Isabel. I feel bad when I'm telling her stuff, because I worry that I'm not listening to *her*, and I really worry when I don't talk to her about stuff because I worry that she thinks I don't trust her, which is the farthest thing possible from true.

...Specifically stuff about my dad. I've been represso-girl about him to everybody, which might not be the best idea. Like, I think it would be a good idea to talk to someone rather than just bottle it all up, and the best person would be Isabel, because she's offered so many times to listen and because she sounds worried about me. I'm just... not good at talking about him. At all. A lot of the things I feel about him are pretty straightforward -- I just don't like them. Mostly I'm angry, and it's pretty shitty to be angry at someone who's dead. And then I've got all this messed-up baggage just about the funeral that I've been carrying since April, for Chrissakes, and I want to get rid of it but it's a lot of shit to deal with. If I talked to Isabel about it, I wouldn't want that to be over the phone. And I'm not sure how much I really want her to hear it because it's so morbid. She shouldn't have to deal with all of my baggage.

Better Isabel than anyone else, though. I cannot believe how upset I was that *Jay* -- pervo Jay! From chorus! That I don't like! -- knew about my dad being dead. And that he told Natasha? Jesusfuck, what is *that* about? How the hell did he find out, anyway? From Cara or something? And what would he tell Natasha for?

I mean, she knew my dad was dead but she didn't know how recent it was. And she went and told Margeaux and Jervey and they went and asked me about it on the first day of school!

Maybe it's weird of me to be so intensely private about all this, but I don't like it when people I don't trust know my business. And my dad dying is definitely my business (she said as she posted the information online for anyone who wanted to see it). It's just that if there were people at school that I wanted to know about this, it wouldn't be Margeaux or Natasha. Maybe Jervey, on his own. I wouldn't mind the kids I'm hanging out with now to know. Okay. Here is my list of kids at school I would like to tell: Adam. Joel. Raelyn. Danielle. Tori. Liz. Maybe Rosie or Catya or Lena, don't ask me why. *Maybe* Jervey. Gideon. Elias. Maybe Liv. Maybe Linda, Baroness of Bitterdom. Charles, even though he doesn't go to BHSEC anymore. Maybe Isabella, because we kind of had a connection last year.

I think that's it. Okay. Fine. That's what, sixteen kids out of nearly five hundred? And I'm not even such good friends with that many of them. I just have a respect for them. Those are the kids that I think are like me, or that I think I could really like. I'm not particularly close with them, but they're my list. Unfortunately, Natasha, who has a talent for getting on my nerves, knows. And Margeaux. I'm not sure why I'm so definitely not nuts about her. Hm. Maybe it's because she's going out with Jervey. She's kind of always there -- I can never hang out with him without eventually bringing Margeaux into the picture. :: sigh :: Being in high school sucks ass.

There was a point to this. What was it? Ah yes. Being upset about people knowing my business. Here are the people that actually *do* know that my dad is dead: Family. Mom's closest friends, duh. Here are the people I have chosen to tell: Isabel. Jake. Alice. Paul. Ardon. In that order.

I don't think I'm a very good friend, which may be part of the issue. I don't really want people to have to deal with my shit if I don't think I'm prepared to deal with theirs. Isabel? I will listen to her talk until the world blows up. Seriously. I would take *anything* Isabel needed me to, I think. I won't know until I'm tested, and I hope I'm not just 'cause I hope nothing happens to Isabel.

I think I told Jake just because it was my first week at CTY, and I was lonely and a little freaked out at the idea of actually writing down some of what I was feeling and having people read it. And *critique* it for literary value. (Yup, I made my tragic tale into a short story, with only insignificant factors changed. No names changed, though. If you're not sick of reading my babble, you can read "Her Favorite Month" here: http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1377173 ) Jake freaked me out, though. He actually, like, cried. For me. And that was scary because I didn't want to have to deal with his emotional distress over my emotional distress when I was already fucked up over my emotional distress on its own. If that makes sense.

He couldn't even look at me until dinner the next day, and that was upsetting. It made me not want to tell anyone anything, and not want to tell Jake anymore. Why would I confide in someone if I didn't think they'd be able to just listen without getting their own shit involved? I'd maybe see a therapist, but I hate them. I saw so many of them when Mom and my dad got divorced and they all sucked. No more of them, thanks.

My bitching about Jake is certainly a change from how I started this post, huh?

Anyway. I told Alice because Alice told me when part of one of her stories was true, and because Alice is seriously best-friend material. I love her too, even though I don't know her or trust her nearly as much as I do Isabel. There's potential there, though. And I don't think it's a sin to have more than one best friend. I think I was kind of testing her. I think I wanted her to ask about it more, but I felt better just having told her in the first place. I don't know if she ever read the story the whole way through, though.

I told Paul for, like, a gazillion different reasons. I had a crush on him, and I respected him as an intelligent person and a writer and I wanted his feedback. I didn't think he'd read it through unless he knew it was a true story, and I wanted him to know because I trusted him not to freak out on me. Trust *me* -- Paul doesn't freak out about *anything*. I don't know if he ever finished it, though. I really hope he did. I think Paul doesn't care that much about me, although I do think he likes me as a friend, and I think I wanted this to bring us closer. Not in a romantic way, 'cause that's gross, but just... in a way. That's kind of warped, though.

I can't remember why I told Ardon. Maybe because I felt he ought to be told? Oh, no -- I remember. He asked in an email about my living with my mom and if I ever saw my dad. I made a personal promise to myself when my dad died that if anyone ever asked about him that I wouldn't lie, because that's just stupid. And it's a way to get myself to tell people. Cowardly, huh?

Anyway. I told Ardon, and I felt guilty because I hadn't told him before. Being friends with people is tough shit.

Here are more people from CTY that I wish knew: Kim. Alexei. Guy. Devin. Johannes. Jack -- why? Who knows? Ian, as in I. Fizzle. Maybe Chris, DJ Bizitter, though he wouldn't have cared probably. He hardly knew me. Sundeep, maybe. Paca. Not Marguerite -- she has enough angst to supply a country. Orren, though I don't think he liked me much.

I wish Sarah from chorus knew. I wish most of my section knew, actually. Amanda. Shaiita. ... Okay, that's not "most" of my section, but whatever. Maybe Eli (Jesus, why?). Maybe even Alex. Maybe this could be the one thing EVER that he takes seriously. Shyamlee. James, definitely. He'd care. He'd give me a hug, because God knows I need one really badly, and James gives kick-ass hugs. Michaela, but she wouldn't care. I don't think she likes me anymore. Maybe Rushaine. Billy, Sheldon, Rudy. Maybe Scott. Maybe Vicky. Dunia. Debbie. Genevieve.

More kids from school! Check out share-girl. Wiacek, Sr. Khaadim. Nicholas. Maybe Erica. Beatrice. I'd probably tell Joseph, just because I do stupid shit like that.

There you have it. I actually want a lot of people to know, it looks like, but I'm too chickenshit to tell them all these months after the fact, and after I never even mentioned I had a father anyway. I make no sense to myself sometime. It's not like I'll actually tell them. How can you bring something like this up?

I don't even know these kids that well. These are kids I genuinely like, I guess. That's my new way of telling if I want to be friends with someone: would I mind them being one of the few people in the universe who know my dad is dead? What a weird way to measure people.

I think I've gone off on a tangent, so I think I'll talk about Jake, because I know that's how I started this post.

My conv with Jake. It went on for a while, and I know it's hard to follow because it's an AIM conversation with typos and weird follow-ups and whatnot.

It's weird how I was totally throwing myself at him. "Wanna have a sleepover?" God, I'm so pathetic. I think mostly I'm lonely. I wonder if I'm lonely enough to actually use someone? Like, if Jake made a move on me or something, would I take him up on it just because of the physical contact? He's younger than me, he's shorter than me, I DON'T LIKE HIM THAT WAY, but I think I might do it just because I need something.

I don't think I like myself that much right now.

It was fun talking with him, though, about pot and piercings. And he really did say that stuff about me being pretty, I didn't put that in or anything. That made me really happy. There is absolutely nothing that feels as good as knowing someone finds me pretty, or smart, or something. It's awkward to hear -- how do you respond to that without sounding like an ass? -- and I never believe it for long, but I love to hear it. At my sixteenth birthday party, people said I was beautiful. That stuck with me for quite a while. I guess when you're a teenager it's hard to keep that old self-esteem up.

I know I'm smart, but mostly I think I'm smart because I think other people are stupid, which is different from thinking I'm smart in my own right. I love to hear that people think something I say has merit, or that they like something I've written. Check my "Preludes" out. This is one poem I've written that I adore. And hey, leave feedback, because I've gotten like none. FictionPress sucks. Actually, right now it's not connecting so I can't get the URL, so go to http://www.fictionpress.com/~zsizzle and scroll down. "Preludes" is one of the first few things posted from the top of the page. Or go here: http://www.angelfire.com/cantina/penumbra/preludes.html to read the whole thing in one page. The first line of each verse (there are four) is from T.S. Eliot's "Preludes," so maybe it's pretentious to call my baby "Preludes" too, but I think mine are actually good. Maybe great. The fourth one isn't the best, but I like it anyway.

I'm really proud of these, actually. Mom really liked them -- like really honestly did, and not just 'cause she's my mom and appreciates anything I write. I find them soothing, and I've read them so many times I've almost got them memorized. I read them before I go to sleep, and I keep a copy with me during the day. Geez, this sounds so conceited. But I love love love these poems. Color me Gaston.

I submitted them to the Literary Magazine at school. I hope people like them. I hope they get that the rhymes aren't supposed to be constant or perfectly rhythmic. I hope Joel sees them and likes them, because respect from Joel would be like the highest praise in the world. Have I mentioned how smart he is?

Jesus, it's late. I'm gonna sign off, because if Mom knows I was up this late she'll kill me. Goodnight, all. Sorry for the angst -- I'll try to write something upbeat next time. Probably it'll be about Joel.

Isabel -- If you've read this, I'm sorry I can't say it. I'm bad at saying stuff because if I did say it I'd probably cry or something stupid like that. And I hope you can come next weekend.

~ Thus spake Zarathustra.

:: Zara 9/28/2003 11:13:00 PM [+] ::
...

kendra 1 5 1 8: Hey pookie. How's things?

NARBLINKY: hey zara. things is cool

kendra 1 5 1 8: I feel the need to be chatty but I have nothing to say. Has this ever happened to you?

NARBLINKY: yes...why do u think i talk to you!
NARBLINKY: heehee
NARBLINKY: yeah youre usually not very chatty

kendra 1 5 1 8: I'll choose to take that as a weird sort of compliment
kendra 1 5 1 8: I know
kendra 1 5 1 8: I seem to be craving human contact at the moment
kendra 1 5 1 8: It's just been the fam this weekend, and they're boring
kendra 1 5 1 8: I miss you, you knoq
kendra 1 5 1 8: *know

NARBLINKY: yeah u too
NARBLINKY: i miss everybody

kendra 1 5 1 8: Ah, CTY angst
kendra 1 5 1 8: Done anything of interest lately besides the obligatory pining for CTY?

NARBLINKY: lots of stuff

kendra 1 5 1 8: There's a girl at my school who went to Skidmore first session and didn't like it and I totally didn't get her
kendra 1 5 1 8: Oh yeah?

NARBLINKY: not being in football has given me alot to do
NARBLINKY: im on newspaper
NARBLINKY: i write a lot
NARBLINKY: i read a LOT

kendra 1 5 1 8: That's really cool
kendra 1 5 1 8: The writing a lot

NARBLINKY: im expanding my record collection by leaps and bounds

kendra 1 5 1 8: That rocks

NARBLINKY: im on model un...(i put the seniors to shame...damn there pretentious souls)
NARBLINKY: im in amnesty international
NARBLINKY: im on the swimteam

kendra 1 5 1 8: Go you person who does things!
kendra 1 5 1 8: That's pretty cool
kendra 1 5 1 8: I bow to your... doing things
kendra1518: I haven't been doing much

NARBLINKY: i bow to your super cool apathy

kendra1518: I've been hanging around with the kids who smoke at lunchtime
kendra1518: That's as far from straight-edge as I get

NARBLINKY: ooooh zara?

kendra1518: eh?

NARBLINKY: ur a badass

kendra1518: My most recent brush with the not-so-straight-edge was a couple of kids smoked pot at lunch
kendra1518: which was stupid for a couple of reasons
kendra1518: But stupid notwithstanding I was grudgingly impressed

NARBLINKY: ....geez....dont talk to me....i really dont think we should be friends anymore
NARBLINKY: im sorry its just....
NARBLINKY: i have to go!!!!!
NARBLINKY: DEMON GIRL

kendra1518: Jake, dear?

NARBLINKY: heehee....pot is cool
NARBLINKY: i dig the potheads
NARBLINKY: not my scene tho

kendra1518: I don't have a problem with people who smoke pot
kendra1518: I just don't want them to get me in trouble, since I don't

NARBLINKY: well neither do i obviously

kendra1518: smoke pot, that is

NARBLINKY: but i have a philiosophical objection to altered conciousness
NARBLINKY: its seems so dumb to me...its like taking an easy way out

kendra1518: I don't like the idea of not entirely being in control of myself / thoughts / faculties / what-have-you

NARBLINKY: i concur
NARBLINKY: not that i am anyway...

kendra1518: since I feel like I have very little control over my life as it is
kendra1518: Exactly

NARBLINKY: well me oto...

kendra1518: About the easy way out

NARBLINKY: ?

kendra1518: I get the appeal, but it doesn't appeal to me in particular
kendra1518: Smoking pot at lunch was pretty dumb though
kendra1518: Because we eat lunch right outside my school, next to the yard

NARBLINKY: the idea that everyone can do it bothers me...

kendra1518: and they could have gotten caught SO EASILY

NARBLINKY: and i dont think it has any merit
NARBLINKY: and i dont think relaxation or physical indulgence makes u any sort of visionary
NARBLINKY: so there ya go

kendra1518: I get the idea of wanting to sort of take a vacation from life or whatever
kendra1518: But people do really dumb shit when they're high

NARBLINKY: well the practicality argument doesnt really hold up for me

kendra1518: and they're also really boring because mostly they either talk really slow or think everything's hilarious

NARBLINKY: thats not an argument against it....thats pretty weak

kendra1518: lol

NARBLINKY: do u consider yourself a punk rocker

kendra1518: "Punk rocker" comes with all sorts of connotations that don't apply to me
kendra1518: But sometimes I dress kind of punkish. Sort of.

NARBLINKY: mm?
NARBLINKY: ah ha

kendra1518: I have friends that are way more punk-rock than I am. Like they know the music and they have piercings and they get high and stuff
kendra1518: I like what punk-rock music I've heard
kendra1518: and I wouldn't mind having piercings

NARBLINKY: i like punk but im not a punk
NARBLINKY: i hate the idea of piercings

kendra1518: but I don't think I actually fit into any particular category

NARBLINKY: being physically different doesnt make you a counter culture soldier or watever

kendra1518: I have my ears pierced. I want to get two more piercings in each ear and get a stud in my nose. And maybe pierce my eyebrow.
kendra1518: I'm not punk. Or a punk.

NARBLINKY: whys that

kendra1518: Why what? The piercings?

NARBLINKY: yeah

kendra1518: I think I'd look good with a nose stud.

NARBLINKY: why do you think you think that

kendra1518: And I'd like to have something decisive about the way I look

NARBLINKY: thats anything but decisive

kendra1518: because I don't really have anything special going for me
kendra1518: Piercings are pretty decisive
kendra1518: although they're such a trend right now. Way more so than last year.

NARBLINKY: there kind of nonconformist chic...which makes me angry

kendra1518: I know so many people who can say they're punk or whatever and mean it

NARBLINKY: well i guess going out and doing something everyone you know does makes u very decisive

kendra1518: and while that's one kind of conforming, I'd like to be able to say something about myself rather than "eclectic" and mean "wishy-washy"
kendra1518: I know, I know, it makes me a conformist

NARBLINKY: why do you need to say something about yourself?

kendra1518: I don't know. I'd just kind of like to.

NARBLINKY: thats so unlike you...or anyone i respect for that matter

kendra1518: Eh
kendra1518: It would be a way of fitting in

NARBLINKY: dont u dare

kendra1518: I don't make friends that easily

NARBLINKY: im ur friend

kendra1518: I know

NARBLINKY: i wish i still had that quote in my profile about ego...do u remember that?

kendra1518: I think it's just sort of a stereotypical psychological teenage loneliness angst needing-to-belong sort of thing
kendra1518: I'll get over it
kendra1518: No

NARBLINKY: damn
NARBLINKY: well...here u go

kendra1518: Do you?

NARBLINKY: : "You keep talking about ego. My god it would take Christ himself to decide what's ego and what isn't. This is God's universe, buddy, not yours and he has the final say about what's ego and what isn't. What about your beloved Epictetus? Or your beloved Emily Dickinson? You want your Emily every time she has the urge to write a poem, to sit down and say a prayer until her nasty, egotistical urge goes away? No, of course you dont! But you'd like your friend Professor Tupper's ego taken away from him. That's different. And maybe it is...In my opinion, if you want to know, half the nastiness in the world is stirred

kendra1518: Who said this?

NARBLINKY: its in franny and zooey

kendra1518: Everyone tells me I ought to read that
kendra1518: I think I do have an ego problem actually

NARBLINKY: ull never get piercings if u do

kendra1518: The piercings thing isn't just a point-making sort of thing
kendra1518: I like the way they look, and isn't that the best reason to get anything like that done?

NARBLINKY: maybe

kendra1518: At least I'll never get breast implants, lol

NARBLINKY: yeah i guess
NARBLINKY: if you mean it
NARBLINKY: tahts not what u first said tho

kendra1518: I said that I'd like to get piercings to be decisive
kendra1518: But that's not the only reason
kendra1518: I think if I had friends like you and everyone else at CTY at home all the time I wouldn't have this problem so much
kendra1518: Maybe that's not true, but I'd like to think it is
kendra1518: I think part of my problem is that generally I'm intimidated by people that are as smart as or smarter than I am
kendra1518: (I like to think I'm pretty smart)
kendra1518: So I hang out with people who are fun sometimes, but generally kind of get on my nerves

NARBLINKY: well my friends blow...
NARBLINKY: and the girls i like never like me....and i usually dont even like them

kendra1518: At CTY it was either hang out with the smart kids or just be lonely, so I talked to the scary smart people and *gasp* actually made friends I want to be friends with

NARBLINKY: ive never had a mature relationship with any girl

kendra1518: Supposedly this gets better after high school
kendra1518: So they say

NARBLINKY: apparently

kendra1518: Besides friendship, you mean?

NARBLINKY: yeah

kendra1518: Eh, me neither

NARBLINKY: well ur not a lesbian

kendra1518: I mean with a guy

NARBLINKY: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

kendra1518: What what?

NARBLINKY: WHAT GUY WOULDNT GO OUT WITH U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kendra1518: You are one of the nicest people I know

NARBLINKY: AHHHH!

kendra1518: Jake.

NARBLINKY: ur so smart and nice and pretty and cool...everybody should be like u

kendra1518: Okay. Seriously honestly blushing

NARBLINKY: and u live in manhattan....geez now i know ill never be happy
NARBLINKY: i always assumed it was cause i lived in millburn

kendra1518: Jake, I totally love you

NARBLINKY: i love u too...youre way cooler than buddha

kendra1518: Maybe we'll find true love in, like, college or something
kendra1518: So Buddha's pretty cool?

NARBLINKY: maybe ill get my genitals surgically removed

kendra1518: Please no

NARBLINKY: meh. teh only reason i dont like buddhism is cause its trendy.
NARBLINKY: i dont dig no posterity

kendra1518: Heh. Me neither
kendra1518: I'm bad at making up my mind about religion and politics

NARBLINKY: actually if u want to know i want to have 15 goods
NARBLINKY: kids*
NARBLINKY: im not

kendra1518: FIFTEEN? Why?

NARBLINKY: i just switch alot
NARBLINKY: because that would be wonderful

kendra1518: Children are miserable creatures.
kendra1518: Okay, I don't mean that
kendra1518: Kids are cute. FIFTEEN?

NARBLINKY: hey! fuck you! dont be cynical chic and say u hate children
NARBLINKY: i love children!

kendra1518: I said I didn't mean it
kendra1518: I want to have one
kendra1518: A girl

NARBLINKY: no u dont
NARBLINKY: shell be sad

kendra1518: No she totally won't

NARBLINKY: give her like 10-20 siblings

kendra1518: Because I am such good friends with my mom. The problem is the outside world infringing on our lives.

NARBLINKY: that sucks

kendra1518: Although having a stepsister doesn't suck nearly as much as I thought it would

NARBLINKY: thats good

kendra1518: Rosa thinks you're hot, by the way
kendra1518: Rosa being the sister.

NARBLINKY: she hasnt seen me

kendra1518: Yes she has. I have pictures of you

NARBLINKY: o ok...well i AM a super stud

kendra1518: And obviously when I came home I babbled about CTY for like a week and I was talking about how totally cool you were
kendra1518: Well yes.

NARBLINKY: well....i am cool
NARBLINKY: (in an uncool way)

kendra1518: You're totally cool!
kendra1518: I wish you lived near me. I would ambush you all the time.

NARBLINKY: we do live near eachother
NARBLINKY: its a half hour train ride which i take anyway

kendra1518: Can I visit you Columbus Day weekend?
kendra1518: Or you could visit me. Because the city is cool.

NARBLINKY: dont come to me id rather come to u

kendra1518: lol

NARBLINKY: yeah i agree
NARBLINKY: whens columbus day?

kendra1518: October 11/12/13
kendra1518: The 13 is Monday
kendra1518: And we have off from school

NARBLINKY: thats cool
NARBLINKY: do i?

kendra1518: Everyone has off Columbus Day
kendra1518: you should...

NARBLINKY: hmmm....methinks i dont

kendra1518: You totally do
kendra1518: You might not have Yom Kippur off if you don't live in a Jewish district...
kendra1518: I do, heh heh
kendra1518: Yay the city

NARBLINKY: i have it off
NARBLINKY: nvm

kendra1518: What, Yom Kippur or Columbus Day?

NARBLINKY: going to my uncles

kendra1518: Hmph

NARBLINKY: yom kippur

kendra1518: Oh
kendra1518: I'm not free Yom Kippur
kendra1518: I have a different friend visiting.
kendra1518: I'm a friend whore.

NARBLINKY: DIFFERENT FRIEND!
NARBLINKY: why cant i come? im from cty

kendra1518: Not a CTY friend

NARBLINKY: o ok

kendra1518: My best friend Isabel. She lives in Cambridge and we NEVER EVER SEE EACH OTHER.

NARBLINKY: how sad

kendra1518: Because bus tickets are mad expensive. Yo.
kendra1518: It's totally tragic.

NARBLINKY: bus tickets blow

kendra1518: Yup.

NARBLINKY: in on the road he spends all his money on bus tickets

kendra1518: Train tickets to NJ are nice and cheap though.
kendra1518: Yup.

NARBLINKY: i wish there was a chapter in on the road where hes like....."so bored....theres nothing to do. ive been to the bathroom twice. the scenery is so boring. im counting the chekers on the guys jacket in front of me."
NARBLINKY: NO COLUMBUS DAY!!!!
NARBLINKY: im not off
NARBLINKY: and dont come to nj it blows

kendra1518: You don't have Columbus Dya off?
kendra1518: That makes no sense.

NARBLINKY: no

kendra1518: EVERYONE has Columbus Day off.

NARBLINKY: well yes it does....the school is open columbus day and according to nj state law i havta go

kendra1518: That sucks.
kendra1518: Well, I'll be wasting time on Columbus Day and feeling smug on your behalf

NARBLINKY: ok
NARBLINKY: well do u have so much to do on weekends that u cant do stuff

kendra1518: No I can
kendra1518: Sometimes

NARBLINKY: rock and roll

kendra1518: Can you come Columbus Day weekend anyway?
kendra1518: Holler.

NARBLINKY: probably
NARBLINKY: what day?

kendra1518: Saturday?

Auto response from NARBLINKY:
NARBLINKY: Where are we going, Walt Whitman? The doors close in a hour.
Which way does your beard point tonight?
(I touch your book and dream of our odyssey in the supermarket and
feel absurd.)
Will we walk all night through solitary streets? The trees add shade
to shade, lights out in the houses, we'll both be lonely.
Will we stroll dreaming of the lost America of love past blue automo-
biles in driveways, home to our silent cottage?
Ah, dear father, graybeard, lonely old courage-teacher, what America
did you have when Charon quit poling his ferry and you got out on a
smoking bank and stood watching the boat disappear on the black waters of
Lethe?

kendra1518: You're so deep. IM me when you're back.

NARBLINKY: im back
NARBLINKY: haha! foolius...thats not by me
NARBLINKY: foolish girl overestimating my literary skill

kendra1518: I didn't think it was by you. Sorry

NARBLINKY: o ok. i just assumed when u said "YOURE so deep"

kendra1518: LOL. It was a deep quote to have for an away message

NARBLINKY: yeah i dig it
NARBLINKY: are u using me as an outlet for ur nostalgia for cty ? or are we friends

kendra1518: We're totally friends.

NARBLINKY: rock

kendra1518: I feel so injured.
kendra1518: Not really. Don't worry.

NARBLINKY: no dont be...i was just curious
NARBLINKY: its hard to tell online

kendra1518: I know

NARBLINKY: when is columbus day weekend

kendra1518: the 11th is Saturday

NARBLINKY: its cool
NARBLINKY: but dont hold me to it cause like stuff happens
NARBLINKY: but w'ell discuss

kendra1518: Okey pokey

NARBLINKY: and planning stuff out sucks...i hate it

kendra1518: Organizing is fun. Sticking to it is not.

NARBLINKY: touche
NARBLINKY: o man...im gonna be dead tomorrow morning
NARBLINKY: i dont care tho

kendra1518: Is this past your bedtime?

NARBLINKY: yeah
NARBLINKY: 9 thrizzle my nizzle

kendra1518: Really?

NARBLINKY: yeah

kendra1518: I know people who go to bed early and I'm like, "I wish I were you"

NARBLINKY: i need 9 hrs

kendra1518: Generally 11:30 is my deal
kendra1518: thrizzle my nizzle indeed

NARBLINKY: when do u wake up

kendra1518: 6, 6:30

NARBLINKY: woh
NARBLINKY: 7 hrs....geez
NARBLINKY: thats not good

kendra1518: I know. I go to a "smart" school where they gives lots of homework

NARBLINKY: i wish i went to one
NARBLINKY: im sick of being suburban white kid jake
NARBLINKY: from millburn no less

kendra1518: If you went to BHSEC, you'd be city white kid jake
kendra1518: It's not that different here

NARBLINKY: so...city white kid jake would be cool

kendra1518: lol. city white kid zara isn't that cool

NARBLINKY: so ur white now?

kendra1518: Have I ever been black?

NARBLINKY: yeah

kendra1518: I have all these black kids at my school and I'm totally not one of them

NARBLINKY: last i checked
NARBLINKY: your a soul sister

kendra1518: Thank you

NARBLINKY: ur welcome...
NARBLINKY: (?)

kendra1518: LOL. The general consensus is that I'm pretty white.

NARBLINKY: eh

kendra1518: My cousin is white, but acts black
kendra1518: She lives in Detroit

NARBLINKY: yeah u said she sucks

kendra1518: Ah. I remember complaining of her to you.

NARBLINKY: what a bitch...lets eat her brains

kendra1518: You have weird ideas of vengeance or whatever
kendra1518: Cute though

NARBLINKY: yeah...think abotu it
NARBLINKY: check out my great conversation

kendra1518: I dunno if I'm big on eating brains

Auto response from NARBLINKY:
NARBLINKY: STYXnSTONES24: im hungry
NARBLINKY: me too...for brains

NARBLINKY: yeah...well basically my hostility has reached the level where talking about killing people isnt enough

kendra1518: Is brains a general conversation topic for you?

NARBLINKY: not as much as u would think

kendra1518: Hey yo. Do you do sleepovers?

NARBLINKY: no i always wet the bed
NARBLINKY: yeah of course i do

kendra1518: I love talking to you.

NARBLINKY: well thats cause im a rockstar.

kendra1518: Can I be totally rude and invite myself over to your house for a sleepover if this Columbus Day thing works out?

NARBLINKY: might weird my parents out
NARBLINKY: i mean...yknow

kendra1518: I'd invite you to my house but I don't have my own room
kendra1518: Are your parents not friends of the coed sleepovers?

NARBLINKY: well...not with 2 people

kendra1518: Fair enough

NARBLINKY: its never really come up tho

kendra1518: My mom wouldn't care if you came here, but then, I don't have my own room so she doesn't have to worry that anything would happen

NARBLINKY: true

kendra1518: subsitute "care" for "mind"

NARBLINKY: who do u share with

kendra1518: I don't -- we live in a one-bedroom apartment so I have a bed in the living room

NARBLINKY: o cool

kendra1518: with a very elegant curtain for privacy

NARBLINKY: elegant

kendra1518: And I have a pull-out bed and stuff
kendra1518: It's red and kind of shiny and cool
kendra1518: I mean the curtain

NARBLINKY: well anywho the coed sleepover at my house wouldnt work unless we got more people
NARBLINKY: and i dont see the point...we could just sit in coffee shop for like 9 hrs thatd be better than a sleepover

kendra1518: Fair enough
kendra1518: A sleepover would be fun though. Ah well.

NARBLINKY: why do u say that?
NARBLINKY: it would be like a reuinion except greasey and sweaty and half naked

kendra1518: I don't know about your sleepovers, but mine are generally fairly hygienic and civilized
kendra1518: Did I spell hygienic right?

NARBLINKY: u know i dont know zara

kendra1518: Hygenic? Hygeinic?

NARBLINKY: yeah but i get greasey over nite
NARBLINKY: and i dont like to sleep in much

kendra1518: Whatever. Where you you get greasy and sweaty from? Your sleepovers sound more like orgies than my sleepovers

kendra1518: Ah

NARBLINKY: i wake up greasey (and i dont mean that)

kendra1518: lol
kendra1518: It's probably for the best. I'm not that pretty in the morning anyway, lol

NARBLINKY: im goin to bed in 5 minutes

kendra1518: Get your beauty sleep

NARBLINKY: greasy sleep

kendra1518: Whatever floats your boat
kendra1518: I dunno

NARBLINKY: anywho...w'ell party in the new york sometime

kendra1518: I like sleepovers

NARBLINKY: me too

kendra1518: Indeed!
kendra1518: To the party thing

NARBLINKY: but coed sleepovers never come up in NJ
NARBLINKY: nobodies that intimate

kendra1518: I thought they were like the rage in suburbs
kendra1518: huh

NARBLINKY: everybody sucks...i hate everyone
NARBLINKY: i mean it

kendra1518: You love me though. Cause I'm so special

NARBLINKY: i just like thought it for a split second
NARBLINKY: well yeah
NARBLINKY: im speaking generally

kendra1518: Thank you

NARBLINKY: but i just got so angry when i was thinking of coed slpovers

kendra1518: I know. The bonding isn't happening so much in the hometown
kendra1518: angry? why?

NARBLINKY: nvm

kendra1518: Cop-out. Hmph.

NARBLINKY: because...i dont like my friends
NARBLINKY: and nobody is nice or caring hear
NARBLINKY: everything is businesslike

kendra1518: I don't like most of my friends at home. I like my new crowd, though. The kids who smoke.

NARBLINKY: and everyone goes to the neon shit mall

kendra1518: That sucks.

NARBLINKY: yeah

kendra1518: We don't have malls, so shopping is a girly fun thing that requires a lot of energy and you only do it with good friends
kendra1518: Ergo, I have not shopped with anyone besides my mother and Rosa since like seventh grade

NARBLINKY: i havnt bought clothes in years because i lost like 30 pounds

kendra1518: Sorry. I know shopping is a girl thing. But it's fun.
kendra1518: Wow

NARBLINKY: ive kept it off for two years so im not a "fat guy" just in case u thought i was (damn u for thinking so if u did)

kendra1518: I lost a lot of weight before I came to CTY, so I saved up my money and
did a big shopping thing with my mom
kendra1518: I didn't

NARBLINKY: cool
NARBLINKY: but ur not a "fat person"
NARBLINKY: ur very nice looking

kendra1518: 30 pounds doesn't make you fat. It just makes you feel worse about yourself
kendra1518: In my experience

NARBLINKY: true

kendra1518: I was never fat, just kind of unhappy
kendra1518: Thanks

NARBLINKY: well i weighed like 170

kendra1518: You too, you know. You nice-looking person

NARBLINKY: whys that?
NARBLINKY: im not nice looking...i have acne
NARBLINKY: and im still kinda chubby

kendra1518: Jake. We're teenagers. Everyone has acne. I have acne.

NARBLINKY: no u dont!

kendra1518: You're not chubby, fool

NARBLINKY: yeah ive gots teh love handls
NARBLINKY: what r u mr. T?

kendra1518: I pity the fool!

NARBLINKY: me too...me too

kendra1518: No you don't. I have my CTY pictures of you right here. Nice-looking person.

NARBLINKY: i either feel fat or shrimpy
NARBLINKY: never in between

kendra1518: You're not short, just not tall
kendra1518: If that makes sense and/or doesn't, like, insult you

NARBLINKY: well im in 9th grade
NARBLINKY: im in the 92nd percentile of height
NARBLINKY: fool!

kendra1518: Are you really? I keep thinking you're my age

NARBLINKY: yeah...being young blows

kendra1518: You're not fat. I was under the impression that you were built
kendra1518: Are you fourteen or fifteen?

NARBLINKY: hmm really?
NARBLINKY: im 20

kendra1518: Geez, I'm sixteen

NARBLINKY: and ive got a bitchen goatee

kendra1518: I'm oooooooold
kendra1518: Of course you are. And of course you do.
kendra1518: Totally built.
kendra1518: And Rosa thought so too.

NARBLINKY: really?
NARBLINKY: ID BE YOUR BROTHER IN LAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
NARBLINKY: AAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

kendra1518: Is it wrong of me to think it's really funny that my stepsister has a crush on you?

NARBLINKY: im marrying rosa....tomorrow
NARBLINKY: its pretty funny
NARBLINKY: dont tel her how old i am

kendra1518: It's not like an insult to you. It's just that she doesn't know you or anything
kendra1518: She's thirteen, she won't care

NARBLINKY: ewww 13
NARBLINKY: i aint no catholic preist fool1

kendra1518: Actually she has a boyfriend. My 13-year-old stepsister is getting more action that I am.
kendra1518: Remember when Devin came to the dance dressed as a priest/

NARBLINKY: yeah well im pretty much celibate
NARBLINKY: tahat was gr8

kendra1518: I've taken to calling celibacy a lifestyle choice so I don't feel stupid

NARBLINKY: good idea
NARBLINKY: well...ur the coolest person i know

kendra1518: My friend Raelyn and I are considering starting an unofficial Virgin Club or something

NARBLINKY: by far...

kendra1518: Thank you

NARBLINKY: thats a good idea

kendra1518: You're pretty high up there on my cool list too

NARBLINKY: i used to think alice was but shes kind of pretentious and annoying

kendra1518: I'd agree, but I don't

NARBLINKY: i mean...shes cool...but when i read her poems i just cant help thinking she'll be a lawyer or a stock broker
NARBLINKY: but i love her too cause shes cool...so dont tell her i said that
NARBLINKY: or ur going to the "other" list

kendra1518: I think Alice would probably rather kill herself than be a lawyer or a stockbroker
kendra1518: The "other" list? Gasp!

NARBLINKY: im joking

kendra1518: lol

NARBLINKY: the stupid list
NARBLINKY: it includes jack reeves
NARBLINKY: and keanu reeves no less

kendra1518: You don't like Keanu Reeves? Why is it that nobody likes Keanu Reeves?

NARBLINKY: because we hate him

kendra1518: Hmph. I like Keanu Reeves.

NARBLINKY: y

kendra1518: I dunno. Because of the first Matrix, probably
kendra1518: I love that movie

NARBLINKY: dont hang out with the potheads....i dont want u to smoke pot

kendra1518: and I think he was pretty damn cool in it

NARBLINKY: itd be such a waste
NARBLINKY: please dont!!!!!

kendra1518: I won't smoke pot, honey

NARBLINKY: id be so sad
NARBLINKY: so very sad

NARBLINKY: and then id kill myself....with a monkey rench
NARBLINKY: id bash my head in

kendra1518: I don't have many principles, but the ones I have I generally stick to

NARBLINKY: damn rite
NARBLINKY: i have to go to bed im exhausted

kendra1518: If you're going to kill yourself with it, at least spell it right. Wrench.
kendra1518: Okay. Get sleep!
kendra1518: Thank you for staying up and talking to me.

NARBLINKY: i dont spell1!!!!!
NARBLINKY: weve discussed this so many tymes

kendra1518: I'll keep trying
kendra1518: It's what makes me so infuriating
kendra1518: I correct my friends' grammar and spelling

NARBLINKY: ok

kendra1518: Normally they hate it, but then I edit their essays and it's all okay

NARBLINKY: godbee zara
NARBLINKY: goodbye*

kendra1518: Bye Jake

NARBLINKY: dont get high

kendra1518: I'll talk you you later
kendra1518: Indeed

NARBLINKY: itd be a terrible waste

kendra1518: I promise
kendra1518: I won't
:: Zara 9/28/2003 10:42:00 PM [+] ::
...

Reading: "Equal Rites," by Terry Pratchett

Listening to: _Busted Stuff_ CD, Dave Matthews Band

Rosa just walked in and... wiggled at me. Should I be alarmed?

I'm at Charlie and Rosa's house in Pelham, on my laptop, on the web. I'm supposed to be researching a paper online, but I'm writing in my blog to clear my head and see if blogging suits me. I talked to Isabel on... Monday? I think... and she gently suggested I write in my blog. "Gently suggested" meaning demanded why I never wrote in it because she reads blogs for entertainment.

:: sigh :: The things I do for my friends.

Eh. I kind of like the idea of writing in here often, though. I just don't have regular Internet access at home, and every time I got to go online with my baby (the laptop, which I'd like to name) I did other stuff. You know, the usual. Checked mail, IMed people, read gay porn masquerading as fanfiction...

Oh! Speaking of porn. When I was in Barnes & Noble yesterday after school, I was browsing through the fiction section and stumbled into the Romances. Okay, that's a lie. I was in a different B&N before chorus a couple of weeks ago, and their Romance section overlaps with Sci-Fi/Fantasy, and I took a look at one of those books and it absolutely cracked me up. That was what I was looking for yesterday when I deliberately walked straight into Romance.

The book I was looking at before was about a woman who's a total wallflower, but has a rauncy cybersex life. Some guy at work catches her and offers to make all of her e-dreams come true. No, I'm not kidding. And this stuff got really rauncy, too. I've never read anything particularly explicit that wasn't online, so I felt like a total pervert reading this in the aisle in Barnes & Noble. You know when you're doing something you're pretty sure you think you shouldn't be and you feel like everybody knows exactly what it is?

Yup. Uh-huh. So I figured I'd find this book and read it properly, sitting down in a corner somewhere. I couldn't find the cybersex one, but I did find one book with the story of not one, not two, but *three* different women who all find love. Renee Jardin, who knows karate, tae kwon do, judo (need I go on?), gymnastics, How To Jump From Three Stories and Not Hurt Yourself, etc., is running from the authorities after having been Wrongly Accused of stealing Important Scientific Research and kisses a Random Guy in an elevator to avoid being noticed. Of course, the Random Guy, who is of course Hung Like a Stallion, is one of the people she's running from, but obviously he changes his mind, helps her out, and eventually they have Sex Under the Conference Room Table while trying to do some recon.

Again: No, I'm not kidding.

There were *three* of these stories, and they were all linked to each other somehow -- the second one was about a woman falling in love with one of the men (who was also, completely coincidentally, Hung Like a Stallion) who had been Mistaken in His Alliances and had worked for the Bad People who were part of the Conspiracy against Renee Jardin. The third was about the Beautiful But Coldhearted Scientist who had created the Important Scientific Research in the first place, and she fell in love with the Slightly Younger Man who took over the company after the whole debacle.

I can't believe I actually read this stuff. Eh, whatever. You and I know I only read it for the sex -- which, by the way, was not that great. Pshaw.

In other news -- I have had my first up-close encounter with marijuana. Decide for yourself if this is a good thing. Yesterday at lunch I was sitting outside by the fence -- my new lunch spot! With the "cool" kids! I'm metamorphosizing! Is that a word? -- and a couple of kids borrowed some pot from someone else and lit up.

[See how I am so deliberately mentioning no names? I guess I'll stick to leaving people anonymous when it comes to something that will actually get them in trouble.]

Okay, this was just weird for me. I've been compromising my set of admittedly hazy morals by sitting with kids who smoke *cigarettes*. I actually don't mind the smell of cigarette smoke that much anymore, which may or may not be a good thing, but I'm not nuts about it, and all the stuff with second-hand smoke and the vague, unlikely possibility of peer pressure... Eh. I always feel a little uncomfortable when people light up around me, but I think I've been getting over it. But pot? Come *on*.

Smoking pot at lunch is just dumb. Going to class high is dumb, *smelling* like pot is dumb -- because it smells gross, IMHO -- and if you get caught, the kids who are with you, whether or not they're smoking too, get in trouble, and *that's* dumb. :: rolls eyes :: Rosie and I went off to the truck to get soda and candy, and also to make sure we wouldn't be there if they got caught.

I don't have a problem with the people who smoke pot themselves. I figure it's their decision, if not one I agree with, and it's not my business. But this involved me. Is it really that difficult to wait until school is over?

Moving on. In yet more news, I did decently (I think) on a Chemistry quiz, aced (I think) a Finite Math test, am nearly finished with my "Alice, Queen of the Goths" thingie, am nearly ready to send of Alice's HP Lovecraft package, am procrastinating on doing this research paper / writing fanfiction / doing anything worthwhile, and am still terrified -- if slightly less than usual -- of Joel.

Gah! That kid! He's just so intense. Like, he's not Diet Joel or Joel Lite or just plain Joel, possibly with Cherry or Vanilla Flavoring both Natural and Artificial. He's like Joel Juice, made from concentrate. Before you add water. He's just so *smart* and so *introverted*! And so *cute*! This is absolutely killing me. If my audience will forgive my self-centeredness, Joel is like me, except worse. He's taller, more intellectual, more bitter, and way more antisocial. I can only begin to guess where the hell he's coming from.

I think he's the kind of person who would definitely give off unmistakeable vibes if he didn't want to talk to me, but I don't know if he's indifferent or if he actually *does* want to talk to me. Or if I'm even reading him right in the first place. I would like to take this moment to thank Raelyn for so patiently putting up with my Joel-rant on Thursday, and for agreeing with me that he is intense. Because he is. It makes you want him to pay attention to you, but it is really terrifying being the focus of the attention of Joel Juice made from concentrate. I always feel like anything I can have to say to him is... beneath his level.

Rosa just came in and warned me not to drink something yellow and gross-looking that is, for some reason, in a mustard jar. Okay, apparently it's cleaner. WHY WOULD I DRINK ANYTHING OUT OF A MUSTARD JAR?

Back to Joel. Who (whom?) I think about way too much. Have you met anyone that you feel you have to... aspire to? There. Joel. I don't think he dislikes me, but he's not exactly making efforts here, either. He sat next to me in Global almost every day last year -- which rocked my socks, believe you me, because he makes *the* funniest sarcastic comments under his breath, and then he smiles, and he has *the* cutest smile... Where was I?

I will be so embarassed if anyone I actually, like, know reads this.

Anyway. If Joel didn't like me, he wouldn't sit next to me, which is obvious, and he sat next to me in Finite Math on Wednesday. Okay, I moved into his row, up front, but he usually sits on the end next to Lena or between her and Antoinette, and it would have made more sense for him to move to the end and he could have, without being obvious and/or rude, if he didn't want to sit next to me. Okay, okay, I know I'm obsessing. I can't help it! Okay, I probably could, but I kind of like thinking about Joel. If you knew him, you'd like thinking about him too.

More Joel! He was quite chatty -- for Joel -- yesterday, which was a treat. He and Raelyn and I all finished the math test early, and while Raelyn and I were walking to the cafeteria Joel joined us. Apparently Raelyn -- who is a senior -- has just discovered Calvin and Hobbes. How is this possible? :: shakes head :: I have no idea. But Joel jumped right into the conversation, which he never ever ever does, and we walked down to lunch. And I shared some cookies. He was generally talkative yesterday. Now that I'm hanging out with a group that kind of overlaps with his group, I can try to draw him out a little more.

Fine, fine, no more Joel. It's probably unhealthy to be overanalyzing every single thing about him anyway. They say the first step to curing yourself is admitting you have a problem.

Anyway, I'd better sign off -- I have researching to do. :P I'll try to write again soon. Our Internet at home should be getting hooked up tomorrow ("should" being the operative word).

Was this entertaining enough for you, Isabel? Much love. We're cosmic.

~ Thus spake Zarathustra.
:: Zara 9/27/2003 07:10:00 PM [+] ::
...

God. Rosa and Charlie are at it again. I hate it so much when they fight. This time, I think it's mostly because the two of them are in bad moods, and because neither of them has ANY FUCKING PATIENCE. Why should I have to listen to them bitch at each other just because someone got their panties in a twist?

This time, Charlie's mad because Rosa didn't leave her cell phone on. This is probably an echo of her innate irresponsibility or something. And she wasn't home by noon, although she and Charlie never agreed on a time she'd be home. And she hadn't started on her chores yet. Okay, she was a little lazy. Let it fucking GO, Charlie. He gets mad about one thing and never lets it go -- it's so goddamn immature. Rosa's thirteen. At least she has an excuse to act the way she does.

So Rosa and her friends want to buy a guitar online, and they need a parent to get it for them using a credit card though they can pay it back in cash. Fine. Charlie says he won't buy the guitar until Rosa finishes the housecleaning, which would be fine except the auction's almost closed. Tempers rise and for the last hour and a half they've been bitching at each other.

What I really hate is when Charlie takes a few minutes and comes back "calm." He talks in a really condescending tone of voice and uses big words. Like "unmitigated." Who the fuck uses "unmitigated" when they're scolding their eighth-grader? He expects Rosa to respond in kind, but of course she gets mad because he's talking to her like she's an idiot and as though they haven't just been out for each other's blood. WHY can't he ever see where she's coming from? And WHY can't Rosa ever stop baiting him? Because she does. She gets really mad and she'll do anything to get a rise out of him because she wants to see him as upset as she is. Fine. I get it. But the two of them need to fucking get over it.

Mom and I used to get into these bitch-fights all the time, but that lasted for about a year. Ninth grade. Over and done with. This is a long-standing tradition for Charlie and Rosa. I used to jump in and try to calm them down or explain stuff, but I'm totally sick of it. It's been a year -- they shouldn't need me.

Oh, look. Charlie's being all calm and fatherly and wondering why Rosa's giving him the silent treatment.

Finally. It's over with. Sorry for the rant. I'm more amusing in the previous post.

Love you, Isabel. Alice -- thinking of you. Don't get too miserable at boarding school.

Sooner or later I'll have an entry in here dedicated to each of them

~ Thus spake Zarathustra.
:: Zara 9/27/2003 04:42:00 PM [+] ::
...